Equine Reflection
by Wind-in-the-Sage
Summary: Several years post-war, Carter recalls the day he returned home. Because when you were that close, things just don't seem right without them. For reading in a slow mood.


Andrew couldn't sleep. He didn't know if it was the wind through the grass, or the ache in his back, or perhaps the thoughts in his head. After lying awake for an hour and checking the clock—two in the morning—he decided he needed to get up.

He was careful about moving the covers, trying not to disturb his soundly sleeping wife. He successfully made it out of the room without disrupting so much as her breathing pattern. He closed the door softly behind him and made his way down the hall, his bare feet silent on the wooden floor. In the dim dark, he found his jacket and boots and put them on over his pajamas before slipping out the back door. A strong, quiet wind greeted him, blowing with it all of the cool night scents of the prairie. He breathed in a calming lungful, and walked the worn dirt path to the barn.

He was not quite as successful at sneaking into the barn quietly. He heard a soft snort of question in the darkness. But then, it always seemed that Elmer was awake.

"It's just me, boy," he reassured the horse. He walked past the workbench and around the hay loft's ladder to get to the stall where a dark head was poking out, looking at him. "Hey there, Elmer," he whispered, stepping up to stroke under his jaw where he liked best. The horse nosed his chest in return.

Andrew smiled. "Can't sleep either?" he asked. He stepped back to rub the horse's nose and look into his eyes. They looked at each other for a moment, each contemplating, it seemed. "Mind if I join you?" Andrew asked.

Elmer retreated into his stall, giving Carter room to open the door. He took the invitation and grabbed a bucket before opening the latch and coming into the stall.

Elmer had turned around, and looked over his withers at Carter as he overturned the bucket and sat just inside the door. Carter leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. The smell of the barn always made him feel at home. It never failed. He breathed it in and relaxed, letting his mind wander. A warm, moist breath on his hand made him open his eyes again. He brought his hand up and ran his fingers through the chestnut's forelock. A low, satisfied sound rumbled from deep in the horse's chest.

"Do you remember," Carter started, "the night I came back?"

Elmer didn't say anything.

"I couldn't sleep then either. I don't know why. Those were the busiest weeks of my life. And I've had some pretty busy weeks." Elmer lifted his head. "Of course, you know that. You've heard about most of them." Elmer shifted his weight, and Carter did the same, dropping his hands into his lap. "I was tired, alright. But I guess I was just so happy and so sad, I couldn't really just go to sleep. That's why I ended up out here. Do you remember that? You were so little, I guess you had too much energy to sleep."

Elmer, seemingly sensing the long night he was in for, suddenly jerked his whole body forward, folding his front legs to get on his knees and then lower the back half down, ending by laying full on his side with his legs splayed out. He heaved a big breath and let out a long sigh.

"Well don't let me keep you up." Elmer shifted his eyes up to Carter, showing him he was still listening. What was the fuss?

"Yeah, neither of us are that little anymore. Not as much energy. But Newkirk still complains I've got loads more than him. It's probably true. He wastes all his on complaining." He looked his horse squarely in the eye. "Don't tell him I said that." Elmer sighed softer this time. "Even if you agree."

He was quiet for a moment. "I missed Newkirk the most at first. You know, I guess because we were bunkmates and he was always right there and we were always talking. Not that he's gone or anything, or that I didn't miss the others. I think I just noticed him gone first. I told you as much the night I got back. And I updated you on all of the family's news, even though you were here for it. I guess I had to tell someone since all the guys were gone."

He got lost in memories again. He didn't know how long it was until Elmer nudged his foot with his head. Carter got off his bucket and sat by Elmer's head so he could pet his mane. "I love my family, and that was the best day ever, seeing them again. I missed them a lot. But now I miss the guys at the Stalag. It just isn't the same visiting them or calling as it was then. It's kinda like it got flipped. I missed my family and wrote to them while I lived with the guys, and now I miss the guys and write them while I live with my family." Now Carter sighed. "I guess that's how life goes."

He felt Elmer's forehead warm against his thigh, and listened to the crickets outside the barn. He stroked the horse's neck again. "Sometimes I wish I could go back. Just for a day. Get up real early, poke fun at Shultz's during roll call, spend some time in my cramped little lab with contraband chemicals, waiting to get word from London that night on the next target. Maybe serving at the hofbrau or patching up German uniforms while LeBeau cooked up dinner and Newkirk tried to beat me at go fish." He smiled, imagining. "But then, I'd want to come back here so I could get up early and do the chores, and make pancakes in the morning, then ride you to town for errands, and play with Michelle all afternoon. Then dance with Juliette all evening and read through old letters after the sun goes down. I guess..." He cast his eyes down and gazed at the moonlight leaking through the roof onto the straw. "I guess I just have to remember. Enjoy what's here and remember what's not."

Elmer closed his eyes in a satisfied way, as if that were the exact sort of sage advice he would have given.

Carter sat with him awhile longer, remembering how it felt to be so equally glad and sorrowful, and knowing that it was okay. He'd probably give Kinch a call tomorrow. Maybe Newkirk too. He missed them, but they weren't gone. And they were still his friends. His best friends. He felt so very blessed to have them.

Well before dawn, he stood, dusted himself off, and retraced his steps back to the bedroom. Lying beside Juliette and remembering old times, he found it wasn't so hard to go to sleep now, and he drifted off with a smile on his face.


End file.
